Wearing a Mask of Relief

We have been home from camp almost a week.  And though I enjoyed it, it was a lot of work.  Christian did his own thing.  But it was up to me to get the little kids up in the morning and to class and to meals and to church in the evenings.  

To make sure they were supervised when they were swimming. 

To make sure they ate something other than dessert and soda for every meal in the cafeteria.  

To make sure they didn't get lost in the dark.

And it was up to me, after a long day, to get them to bed at night.

It was a good week.  I'm glad that we went.  But It was exhausting... like a lot of things that I do with my little kids in tow.  

A friend of mine approached me on the last day and commented that she believed there was something wrong.  She said I didn't seem to be acting like myself.  I assured her that what she had seen for the last week, was indeed my everyday life.  

I told her that what she sees when I come to her house or when I'm at church... Its a facade.  It's not real.  That's not the down-in-the-trenches, lonely, stressful, busy life of a military spouse.  I told her it was all an act.  This - what she saw at camp - was the real deal!

After we left, I pondered what I said.  I thought about wearing masks, and the difference between how I act at church and how I act at home.  And I realized, it's not an act at all.

With teens especially, there is an emphasis to "be yourself".  

Be who God made you.

Don't be afraid of who you really are.

"You are fearfully and wonderfully made."  Just the way you are.

When people ask, "How are you?"  The typical response is fine or good.  This is my third time, being alone with my kids while Derick is active duty.  And I've decided that those responses, in that moment, are 100% true.  

It's true!

It might not have been true a half-hour earlier when I was fighting with my kids, trying to get them in the car.  

It might not have been true when I sat down to eat pizza for dinner last night... again.

It might not have been true when I looked at my house at the end of the day, trying to figure out where the day went and what exactly we did to make the house resemble a bomb-site.

It might not have been true last night at 10:30, when, out of total exasperation, I finally said, "Just go to bed."  ..."yes, I said I would lay with you" ..."I know you miss Daddy.  I miss him, too!"  

But, what I have come to realize, in being an active duty military spouse again, is that when I'm at church or at a friend's house or doing something fun with my kids, the very true response to the question, "How are you doing?" is "I'm good!"

In that moment, I am good.  

It's the moments that no one sees that things seem to fall apart.  It's in those moments that I feel weakest.  And I think of this:

2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

I'm not sure I'm really ready to boast in my weakness.  When I feel weak, I feel vulnerable.  

Exodus 14:13-15 - And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” The Lord said to Moses, “Why do you cry to me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward. 

Stand Firm.

Be Silent.

Go Forward.

The Lord will Fight for You!

His Power is made Perfect in my Weakness.

Some days feel more like a battle being fought from the trenches than the victory at the end of the war.  In those days, I am glad I have The Lord on my side.  I don't always remember that in the heat of battle.  But that doesn't make it less true.  

Sometimes, what people see at church, or at a dinner at a friend's house, is just a break from the chaos.  I'm not wearing a mask.  I'm not trying to hide my pain or fear.  

It's relief that they see on my face.

So that I can prepare for the next wave of battle.  

Prepare myself... or let The Lord prepare me... to Stand Firm, Be Silent, and Go Forward.  The Lord will fight for me.

**********

As a side note, here are some pictures of the kids from camp.

This is Aida finishing the low ropes course, about 15 feet in the air.

This is Allyn doing the zip line.  This usually comes at the end of the high ropes, but Al did the low ropes.  The zip line starts 30 feet in the air and runs down aa big hill to a dirt patch.  I was impressed at his bravery at just 6 years old! 

This is Brody (age 4) doing the low ropes (and kinda freaking out a little).  He had a little help getting across this part.  In the end, he did great!

This is a selfie that Christian took on the high ropes course, about 30 feet in the air.  He didn't tell me he was doing the high ropes or I would have come to watch and take some pictures myself.