I Miss My Husband

I have nothing to write about.  

Hmm... 

I've been having a tough time lately.  So, I thought I'd blog about it.  Ya know... air my dirty laundry and all.  Everyone loves a nice, depressing blog.  I think it makes people feel better about their own lives to see someone else struggling.  Or maybe we just crave honesty sometimes.

Well, gather 'round and get a good look!  

I'll be honest, I've been struggling...

I miss Derick so much it hurts!  

I miss waking up early to go make coffee for us in the morning.

I miss his arms around my waist and a kiss on my neck when he gets home from work, as I stand at the stove making dinner.

I miss the bed being warm.

I miss going to the grocery store without having to give a list of instructions for the kids while I'm gone, just to make sure the house will still be standing and all the kids will still be alive when I return.  

Actually, I miss just sending him to the store so I don't have to go.  

I miss cooking dinner.  

I miss cooking for someone that appreciates it.

I miss having another adult in the house to talk to.  

I miss holding hands while we ride in the car.

I miss riding in the passenger seat in the car, instead of the driver's seat.

I miss running together.

I miss biking together... really miss biking together!

I miss him playing catch with the kids, specifically Christian.

I miss praying together.

I miss beer and ice cream and a movie on Netflix, late at night.

I miss hearing everyday, about how beautiful I am to him.

I miss the help around the house.

I miss his kisses... and the look in his eyes when he takes my face in his hands.

I miss falling into his arms at the end of a long day.  

I miss singing together, and singing at night with our kids.

I miss asking him computer questions... or just handing him the computer with the request, "Fix it, please."

I miss cutting his hair at 5:30 on Saturday morning, before he leaves for drill.

I miss playing games together. (but not softball, I don't miss softball.  ...sorry, baby!)

I miss picking him up from work at night.

I miss his arm around my shoulders during church.

I miss his strong muscles.

I miss those brown eyes.

I miss his smile when he sees me.

Today was such a long and exhausting day.  And this month has been a string of such days.  I miss crawling in the same bed at night, and sleeping peacefully next to the man I love, my God-given protector and provider.  

I read once that the hardest part of a race is not the beginning when you are getting started, getting warmed up and setting your pace.  Its not the end when you are worn out and ready to be done.  But, its the middle, when there is no one to cheer.  And you are alone with your thoughts.  No one to push you to keep going, you have to find the motivation in what you already know you can do.  

I know I can finish the race because I trained to be able to finish the race.  

I know I can finish the deployment, because that is what I've "trained" to do.  

I know that the strength I have to finish this deployment doesn't come from me.  My whole body aches right now because its the middle of the race.  No one is standing on the sidelines, cheering me on.  No one is pushing me to keep going.  But, I can.  I have done it before.  And my strength is not my own.  It comes from Someone higher than I.  I could not do it without His strength.  

1 Corinthians 9:24-27  "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified."

Now, I have to be honest.  I like to include scripture in my blogposts.  I find it encouraging.  I hope whoever reads this does too.  But, the sting of reality doesn't magically go away, just by quoting a verse or two.  

Derick is still in Afghanistan.  I am still incredibly lonely.  My kids still miss their daddy.  

I still have to drive.  I still have to grocery shop.  I still have to figure out that stupid computer.  

I know I will make it through this deployment.  It's just hard.  I still miss my husband like crazy every single day.  And it still makes me cry sometimes.  

And that's the truth.