I volunteer...

I had a meltdown tonight.  

I started crying and I just couldn't stop. 

In front of my kids... Texting to my mom... Wishing it would stop... Wishing I could go to bed for the night.  

I feel better now.  I'm sitting in the living room listening to my kids play Uno in the kitchen.  It's rather peaceful.  But an hour ago it wasn't.  I bawled in the living room while Aida told me all the ways I'm so wonderful, Christian tried to distract me with a rousing game of "Go Fish" and the little boys duked it out with curtain rods in the driveway.

I have a hard time moving forward when I start to feel overwhelmed and depressed.  And by "hard time" I mean "totally paralyzed".  I know that I need to do things.  I may even know specifically what needs to be done.  But I cannot force myself to do it.  

Today my mom and I cleaned in my living room so that it can be painted.  I have been hoping (dare I say counting on) some outside help to do things before Derick comes home.  And my mom is very helpful.  She always comes through in a pinch!  

I do struggle sometimes though, with how much to expect from other people versus how much I should just be able to do myself. 

In America, we are taught we can do anything we want to do.  All it takes is a little hard work!  We learn from a young age that we need to look out for number one. New need to learn to take care of ourselves.  Do it ourselves. (Whatever "it" might be.)  As a result, when someone doesn't live up to our standards, we think, "Well, they should work harder.  They could do so much more if they work harder! They could make so much more money if they just work a little harder... If they'd just do something better for themselves..."

But, at church we are taught (at least in theory, hopefully In action) to live and function as "one body".  We should work together.  We should take care of each other.  Especially in times of need.  The early church in the book of Acts chose to share what they had with each other.  And no one had need.   

So, where does that leave the "American Church"?  If we work hard enough we can have all we want... With a little left over to share.  But whoever we share with should be trying to get it done themselves... because if they aren't helping themselves, they aren't worthy of our help either.  Because doesn't the Bible say "God helps those who help themselves." 

(Actually, the Bible doesn't say that, in case you wondered.)

Where does prayer fit into all of this?  Do we pray more or work more?  And when is it ok to just come out and ask for help?  How long do I need to spend in my prayer closet before that's an acceptable course of action?  But, If I work more so I can make more money, does that mean I don't have enough faith for God to just provide?  Or was working more actually God's will to begin with?  If I pray for God's provision and I still ask for help, does that also mean I don't have faith?  Or maybe just not enough faith? 

What about projects that need done.  Do I ask for help to do the project or do I work a little harder so I can make more money so I can just hire someone to do it for me?  

It all seems very confusing to me.  I have projects that need to be done at my house.  I have projects that I'd like to have done before Derick comes home from deployment.  I'd rather not be scrambling the week before he comes home to get things done.

I am torn when I consider how much to ask for help.  What projects are acceptable to ask for volunteers and what do I need to pay for?  And what projects should I just automatically know and be expected to do on my own?  

I don't have answers.   Don't have scripture to back up anything I have to say.  I just know my own experience.  And my own experience says that it's better not to ask for volunteers, than to ask and be disappointed because no one volunteers. 

I don't write this to point fingers.  I don't write this to accuse anyone.  These are all things that I think of as a pseudo-single mom who publicly admits that I'm not perfect and I can't do it all.  As a military wife, anxious for the return of her husband!