Just kidding... Bedtime's not really my fave

Can I renig on my previous post that bedtime is my favorite time of day?  Because it isn't.  Well, it is, but it isn't.  I love the peace that sleep brings, but that's when I miss Derick the most.  That's when I have time to sit and think about the fact that I have to go to bed alone.  I get to lay in the dark and think about all the things I have to do tomorrow, by myself.  

*sigh*

For Derick's benefit, I'll post about what happened this weekend.

This happened.

That is an email confirmation that I have officially lost my ever-loving mind!  

No, actually it's an email confirmation that I signed up to do a triathlon next weekend.  It's short.  It's a super sprint.  Indoor pool swim.  Good way to start triathlon season.  If I survive, maybe I'll do more.  If I've already lost my mind, then I might as well!

This happened.

A spontaneous breakfast with just Aida and me.  I cut hair for a friend and her family last night and she let the little boys sleep over.  Christian stayed with a cousin, so Aida and I had to do something special.  We went to the 50s Diner and had eggs and english muffins.  I don't make eggs very often, so it really was a treat!

And this happened.  

My dad and my friend, Alan (among others) came over and tore out all the horrible, ugly, no good trees along my back fence.  The fence and the crumbled retaining wall are currently still there.  But the trees are gone!  Huge relief!  Hopefully I can take care of the fence and the wall soon, but my dad says that might require a backhoe.  

And this happened.

My friends, Andy and Katie came over with a box of donuts.  And the timing was perfect!  The tree guys were hungry!  They didn't eat them all though.  My kids decided that donuts would be good for lunch.  And I let them, because that's the kind of cool, irresponsible mother I am right now!

And this happened... for about 2 hours today.  

I would tell you what we talked about, but since Derick can't tell me anything, our conversations are pretty boring.  A lot of staring at each other.  

In betweent he donuts and the facetime, I did a pretty amazing updo for a photoshoot.  Unfortunately I don't have a picture of that.  And after the facetime, I skipped out on buying my kids new Easter clothes and went to my mom and dad's for a free dinner instead.  Because, again, that's the kind of mom I am!

But, now the day is over.  Now I have to go up to my room, put on my pajamas, and crawl into my bed that I forgot to make this morning.  Now I get to lay there alone and I get to think about all the ways that I screwed up today.  (Like giving my kids donuts for lunch... at 3:00 in the afternoon.)  And it's hard not to get overwhelmed by all the things that I will need to do tomorrow. 

I didn't buy my kids anything for Easter this year.  No candy, no toys, no movies, no baskets of plastic eggs... nothing.  Does that make me a bad mom?  Lazy, maybe?  It definitely means I hate shopping.  

Ya know, most days I think I do ok.  I think I can make it.  I know that I can.  I know in my heart of hearts that it is Christ in me that gives me strength.  But, let's be honest.  It's really hard to remember that in the heat of the moment.  

When there are 4 kids telling me 4 different things, and its 6:00 and I haven't even thought about dinner yet, and there is laundry that still needs to be done tonight, and homework to do, and I've been doing hair all day long.  Actually, it usually doesn't even take that much.  My chest gets tight and I can't breathe, and I don't think I have the strength for one more moment.  How in the world will I find the strength for the next 8 months??

"Let me know if you ever need anything!  Really, I mean it!"  

This phrase is always spoken with such sincerity.  The truth is, I don't know what I need.  I don't know how to tell people to help me.  I don't now where I need help.  And... sometimes its just plain hard to ask for help!  I think that a lot of military wives (or just anyone going through a trial) would agree.  When you ask us the question, "Do you need anything?", do you have a plan?  Do you know what you can do that would help?  That would be a blessing?

Because I don't.

I don't have the faintest idea how you can help.  But, I had help today that I didn't plan, they did.  I had help tearing out the trees in my backyard.  And I had help when someone brought donuts for my family.  Those things really were blessings!